I wanted to share this story that made me giggle (and cringe) when I picked the name, ChickNorris. This was at a time in my life when I first started to realize how much I suck at being a chick. Don’t judge….
Have you ever been set up on a blind date by a really good friend, only to realize you have no idea what the hell they were thinking?! Well, I was immediately offended when I was introduced to “Dan” who was a karate instructor and ran his own studio. What is the female to male term for a “butter-face” as in, everything is good but-her-face? Chicks, we need to come up with one. Maybe not because it’s cruel and I was a bitch back then………any way, you get my drift. This guy was not easy on the eyes from the neck up, but everything else looked pretty good. I decided I would take one for the team and let him buy me a drink. Honestly, he was funny, REALLY into me, and I hadn’t been laid in a while. So, I let dojo Dan take me to the dojo for some “grappling lessons.” Homeboy had some skills, to my surprise. So, I started my “grappling lessons” regularly.
What usually happens when a guy that really likes you realizes that you are starting to really like him back? He turns into a douchebag. And we take it….at least I did with this one (and a few others in my 20’s….oops).
He asked me why I never wear sexy lingerie for him and showed me pictures on his phone of previous girlfriends who did, posing like skinny fish-lipped idiots. Why was he showing me these? How did he get so many hot girls? Damnit! Why did I even care, I was the one who wanted a casual fling! I went crazy with rage that he saved them on his phone, crazier because I wanted to look better than them. Rather than confront him about it (Or leave and never come back, which I should have done), I bought some slutty lingerie to prove I could top those bitches. Question: Are there any chicks out there who can pull off a pair of thigh-high stockings without getting little muffin tops around each thigh? So depressing. Needless to say, I didn’t send a sexy pic to him (Thank God) because no lighting could disguise the dual muffin tops or cellulite or pathetic look on my face. Why did I need to impress this idiot so badly, all of the sudden? It was supposed to be the other way around!
One day I went to the dojo to take him lunch. As I opened up my Chipotle bowl while sitting in front of his desk, which I just had sex on the night before, he told me he met someone else. I sat there quietly, rage creeping in even though I tried not to let it, while he explained how she was motivated, driven, and made him want to be a better person (I later discovered she just turned 18 and bagged groceries at the Albertson’s next door). What I should have said was, “I think we are both in this for the wrong reasons and it’s best to end it now. Good luck and I wish you well. Butter-face. (Jk on the last part)” Instead, I lunged across the desk and took a swing at his face like a fucking psycho. Even better (or worse), after I hit him, I said “you should have blocked that!” as I did lame karate chopping motions with my arms before I power-walked out to my car like a bad-ass. I was very sad I left my Chipotle bowl in his office. The end. I suck.
Long live Chicknorris.