Girls don’t fart. That’s how it’s been since I’ve been with the old man, even though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care. I’ve never been able to do it in front of a boyfriend. Some couples are pretty free with that kind of stuff, even you creepy couples who poop in front of each other (you know who you are) but I could never, ever, cut one in front of him. Well, not on purpose. I’m a classy lady, obviously.
It gets harder and harder to hide the fact that, sometimes girls are gross too. He found a box of mega flow mother fucker tampons below the sink one day after we moved in together and looked at me, eyebrows up, then put it back down as if he had just learned a scary secret. It reminded me of the look I gave my Mom when she handed me my first tampon because I wanted to go swimming with all the other 5th graders but I had on a giant maxi with wings. The tampon was the size of a fucking dill pickle and I had no idea what to do. I wanted to go swimming bad enough that I was willing to gamble that a big white string would not fall out of the side of my super cool Speedo bathing suit, or that the tampon wasn’t actually even “inserted” correctly and I looked like I had a semi-boner. That day still haunts me and reminds me of how awkward it can be to just be a girl. Good thing I had the biggest rack in 5th grade that sprung overnight and totally distracted everyone…….and they stayed the same exact size into my thirties……thank you very much. My adult nickname was “Nerf Balls” for a while because my boyfriend felt my boob and it was a giant padded bra with minimal boob. I guess the jig is up.
Speaking of sprung overnight, sleep farts are one of my big inconveniences. Early in the relationship the old man and I were sleeping and I woke myself up with a sleep fart. Like a ninja, I held still waiting to confirm if he was sleeping or if he heard me. He didn’t move, so I felt safe enough to let myself fall back asleep just as I felt him wiggle. The wiggling was him, trying to hold in his laughter. I held still and pretended to be asleep, my classic sleep fart move, until he fell back asleep. A win for me. He must have forgotten about it since it was never brought up. This happens occasionally, and I swear by the “hold still” move until he goes back to sleep. He probably knows, but I’ll never admit it and that means I have to always hold true to my false claim that girls don’t fart. Maybe some of you don’t care that much, or maybe some of you just let ‘em rip no matter who is around (you know who you are) but I just can’t do it. He always blames the dog and doesn’t care. Not fair. The struggle is real.