Recently I celebrated a birthday, not a significant birthday, but one that made me realize I was getting old. I remember my mother at this age, I was 19 she was 52, I thought she was ancient. How can I be that old? I remember thinking how out of touch she was, how she couldn’t understand “my life”. Is that how my kids see me? I certainly don’t think I’m out of touch. I mean I use Facebook, I Skype, I shop and bank online. How out of touch can I be? Right?
As I lay there I realized, when people ask my age I pause, I really have to think about it, I certainly don’t feel like I’m in my fifties. How old do I feel? I admit my body screams 50+ but my mind, feelings, emotions think 20 maybe 30 but DEFINITELY NOT 52! and that’s a fact. I used to look at my mom and even though I thought she was out of touch, I always thought she was in control of things. I’m not sure I feel that way. In fact, what surprised me the most, as I lay pondering my age, was how little I had changed. How the same things can hurt me, the same things frustrate me, and make me annoyed. I think age has given me a different perspective, I can control my emotions better, but that’s not the same as not letting things/people, get to you. So maybe that was my mom’s big illusion, maybe she felt the same as me, maybe she had just learned to control it too
Then I began to think about the people in my life. My husband, we have been married for 25 years, another number that I have trouble reconciling. 25, predominately, good years, not all smooth sailing but mostly calm waters. I’ve been very lucky he’s honest, gentle, and hard working, I’ve never really had to worry about being loved or wanted. I know I am. I know I have a partner, someone who will pick up the slack, if needed take control when I can’t, and when it comes to our kids was never scared to get his hands dirty.
My daughter, she’s 24 now, married doing a job she really loves with a man she loves, my prayer is that she is as lucky as me. BTW that’s another number I have difficulty with. How can I possible have a daughter who is 24? But it’s true…I have
My son, the baby of the family, 22 still in college another year or so there. My prayer for him is that he can be the kind of man his father is. If he’s even half that man someone will be very lucky.
Then, inevitably, my mom and dad come to my mind. They have both passed away now but where would I be without them? I was one of the lucky ones I had good parents I had a man, in my dad, to measure other men against. Nothing was ever too much for me, an only child spoiled, yes, but not ruined. I was put in my place often. My mom, like most mom’s was always the one to say no. I knew though that I was everything to her. But my dad… he was my dad and there was no one like him.
Perhaps age is a state of mind, and my mind says 25. I think that’s where I’m going to stay, 25 on the inside reverse it for the outside. I think I can live with that.