It’s been a rough month. I know life goes in waves and sometimes you take a big dip before you can raise back up, but I am at an all-time dip. I do it to myself. My problem is, I’m a “runner”. I love change to the point that I am addicted to it and if there is nothing on the horizon, I usually run to something else. Change has always been easier than sticking with something that just doesn’t do it for me. Maybe it’s that I’m always searching for meaning, but that sounds so cheesy. Looking for more for myself….. that sounds better. It’s been better over the years because I’ve been able to keep myself busy with other things, like finishing school, being in a happy relationship, taking small trips/adventures, etc. Things are fine. Good actually. Why is it not enough?
My twenties were filled with constant change. I would bartend and live life until I got bored, then take off for months at a time. “I’m bored, I guess I’ll go backpack Africa for three months.” “This sucks, so I’m taking off to Europe for three months.” “Look there is money in my bank account, which means I can afford a ticket to Australia for a month.” One of my favorites was, “Hey Mom, can you drop me off at the airport?” “Why, where are you going?” “England. I’ll be back in three to six months.” I had a full passport and an empty bank account. New people, places, and new things to experience. Friends would call or text me and ask if I wanted go out later, and my reply would be, “I moved.“ I would get emails asking what country I am in or what crazy stuff have I been up to. Life was exciting and unpredictable and the second it got boring, I did something different. Sky diving was a hobby of mine for a while because the adrenaline rush actually made me relax afterward. Couldn’t afford to keep up with it though, so I stopped at 20 jumps. I decided I was done with living in California so, a week later, I randomly moved my life Arizona. I found meaning in a job with a non-profit animal rescue and I actually felt content. Like I found where I was meant to be and what I was meant to do. Then I sold out for a corporate opportunity to make more money. Not the smartest change for the soul but hey, I needed health insurance. So proud. Blah. Time to put on the big girl panties, I guess.
It’s a constant battle for me to feel content with myself. Obviously the lifestyle I used to live will not work at this point, but I still need new adventures, new goals, new projects, anything! Sometimes going for a long run helps, sometimes I find a room to paint or redecorate, sometimes I plan small trips to new places or take up a new hobby that I usually get bored with shortly after. I have learned to manage it better by doing little things, without literally changing my entire life, but sometimes it bothers me to the point that I feel like I have no meaning and am stuck in the most boring rut of all time. Like I am forcing myself to feel better but just can’t seem to find what fits. All of the fixes are temporary and something always feels missing. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now, the longest I’ve ever been with anyone. Some of my family and close friends say things like “Why hasn’t he proposed yet, doesn’t he know she’s a runner?” Usually it’s funny. The thing is, I’m not sure he really knows because I’ve been better about managing it and keeping myself busy. Maybe I’ve been happier. He just thinks I don’t know how to relax. He’s right, I think relaxing is boring.