I woke up early in the morning like I do every day. Hit snooze twice, rolled out of bed, tossed on a robe and went downstairs to grab a cup of coffee. I came back upstairs and decided to take a bath to warm myself up for the day. I begin to shave my legs and gray-ish droplets seemed to be gathering at the end of my razor. I examine the razor and don’t see anything strange, so I keep on shaving. Still more droplets. I glance down at my bath water which seems murky. Startled, I look at my body in more detail.
I was green. My skin was dark green. Damn it, those stupid Groupon sheets that I already washed once had to be the culprit! I ran into the bedroom to warn my husband. He was not as concerned as I was about this. I mean I was stained green! I scrubbed and scrubbed and it was still on me like a bad tan. Oh well.
I go to work and act as though nothing is wrong. I don’t know if I truly didn’t care if I was green or if I just didn’t have the energy to explain myself multiple times. I have olive skin, so perhaps no one will notice, right? Just one person noticed. He said, your hand looks bruised, did you slam it? I look down at my green knuckles and finger crevices for a bit. I nod my head. “Yep, slammed my hand.” He didn’t ask for more of an explanation, which was convenient because I didn’t have one.
I leave work for the day and go to the mall to finish some Christmas shopping. My brother has somewhat of a hipster style, so I find myself in American Eagle. They have a center checkout kiosk that can house either 1-3 employees for checkout. I get in one of the two open lines. And wait. A long time. After an eternity, it is my turn. I walk up with my one item and he says, “You know the whole store is buy one, get one 50% off right?” I look around at the 925,271,012 signs that say “WHOLE STORE- BUY ONE, GET ONE 50% OFF.” Eff me. Now I have to get something else or the cheap person inside me will explode. So I get out of line, go get another item, then return to the kiosk. Alas! I am the first person in line. When I walk up, a couple from the other side of the kiosk yell, “Excuse me! We need a gift card.” The awkward male teen looks at me as if to say, ‘You look like you’d be much easier to make wait than those rich demanding psychos.’ And I was. I tell them they can go ahead of me (even though I was there first). The man looks at me as they travel to my side of the kiosk. Chin up, he says to me “Yes.” Yes what? Yes you deserve to go first? Is it because I am younger? IS IT BECAUSE I AM GREEN?!
After they checkout, the clerk thanks me. I tell him it’s fine. It’s not fine. When he goes to check in to his register, as they have to do with each purchase I learned, he puts his thumb on a scanner. I asked him about this process. He says American Eagle makes you use your fingerprint to sign in to your register so people don’t sign in for you. I replied, “How invasive. Guess you can’t murder anyone anymore.”
What a weird, green day.