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The Story of Captain Underpants

Posted in 1FineChik

Dating is NEVER easy. This song is sung as a loud consensus from my friends both young and old. It was not easy when I was 16, 20, and now 28 years later. Recently ‘Happily Divorced’, I decided to try my luck again and start fishing in the ‘There’s a lot of fish in the ocean scene’. It has been almost 30 years for me, and with modern technologies and communications, I embark somewhat optimistic.

It began one lonely night when I nervously decided to create my first profile on a free dating site. Pictures speak volumes, so I posted both modest and conservative pics of myself with friends at a bar, hiking, and of course, a selfie at a U of A Football game.

At the bar, I give the perception that I like to have a good time. Hiking, I am outdoorsy and not afraid to be a little adventurous. Football game? If you like sports, then I might go to a game with you.

I was too chicken to write any descriptions of myself for fear someone might recognize me! Ha!

The results?

Quite a few Wink-Winks from men in cars, hiding behind their sunglasses and baseball hats.

Definition?

In Car=Hiding from wife.

Sunglasses=prevents you from using facial recognition tools.

Hat=Balding or hiding gray hair.

My girlfriends and I have spent many hours laughing to the point of peeing when I showed them my online dating options.

Oh No no no no!! is what everyone said.

Ok, free is not a good price when online dating.

So I bumped it up and went for a paid site. Instead of wink-winks I get to relay a series of questions to get to know my match. The only date I actually met in person I named Boston because he had qualified and run a couple Boston Marathons. He was my first. Seemed like a decent guy.

We made it past the questions to the emails…then I gave him my number and we bounced texts back in forth. Nothing flirty, just the facts…then we decided to meet.  At dinner we had the interview, a very factual interview at that. He was much older than his pictures, about 10+ years older than me. Overall, it was not bad and lasted about an hour.

After a few weeks, I decided to give him a second try and invited him over to Netflix and chill. OK, I did not know that this was code for (yes, I am whispering as I type) sex. Well, not until my 22-year-old said, “MOM! You know what that means to a guy right?”

“Uhhhhh, it means we are going to relax and watch a movie?”

I’m a dumb-a**.

As it turns out, she does know more than her mother. This dude came over and tried to kiss me with some uncomfortable transitions and tongue moves. He is no longer called Boston but is now called Devil Tongue. Yeah, he was out the door after a five-minute kiss attempt and a hug (so I could wipe the residual slobber on his shirt).

I sat on the couch wide eyed and a bit traumatized.

It was so odd.

My newly found freedom could not bear the thought of dancing with other devil tongues so I put things on pause for a while.

Then a friend introduced me to another potential. Whose name transitioned from Romance-a-Lot to Captain Underpants.

First date was amazing! Nice dinner, fire pit, star gazing, and hand holding. This was looking good.

Second date, we tried the kissing thing. I felt sorry for him because for me it was a therapy session as I was trying to get the burned image of Devil Tongue out of my mind. The best way to describe our kissing session was like checking the stove to see if it was still hot.  After the initial check, it was not bad and I secretly wanted to thank him for the help.

Date three. Well, let’s just say it went beyond kissing. The opportunity arose, I embraced the moment and started thinking I was now 21st Century dating. I felt pretty good about things until…I came out of the bedroom and he was sitting in his underpants, watching sports and eating pizza. How did I go from date no. 3 to being married for 20 years in five minutes?

Dang it!!

Driving home that night, I realized something about myself. I deserve more and am not ready to feel quite that comfortable. I am looking forward to the game, the challenge, and creating names of new players. For now, that’s ok.

Has dating changed over the last 28 years? Nope, it still pretty much sucks. However, I will keep on trying because the next time it just might be epic or it might be another colorful entry for this blog.

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2 Comments

  1. ChickNorris29
    ChickNorris29

    I tried online dating once and they “matched” me with a 5′ guy who claimed to have a shoe obsession. LOL good luck out there! I think dating is fun, and the stories make it even better.

    December 29, 2015
    |Reply
  2. justachik1
    justachik1

    Does it make me a bad friend to secretly hope you meet more Captain Underpants? I love the stories.

    December 28, 2015
    |Reply

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