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My Perfect Husband

Posted in ChickTwenty

Everyone loves my husband. It’s actually quite annoying. Like his father, he has an innocence about him that most find endearing. He has the most beautiful way of bringing humor to uncomfortable situations. I find his methods to be both adorable and infuriating.

For example, I hear this story all the time. He was back-sassing his mother in the car when he was in high school and she lost it. She told him he was a son of a bitch, to whom he replied, “Wouldn’t that make you the bitch?” She busted out laughing and he never got in trouble.

Flash forward to two years into marriage. I am sitting on the bed, he is standing in the bathroom and we are arguing. Frustrated, I exclaim “I just don’t get it.” He lunges at me from the bathroom, tackles me onto the bed and giggles “Oh you’re going to get it!” trying to be sexy. Damn it if I don’t remember why we were arguing. That sexy shit.

We have mutual friends that broke up about 3 months ago. I am friends with both parties and have been acting as somewhat of a messenger between the two. My husband has not once helped. Literally, not at all. I get a call from his mother, “I heard my son got those two back together, huh? That’s my boy!” Well, no they’re not back together. And no, he didn’t lift one finger to help. Ugh.

A couple months back, we found ourselves as bystanders in a very uncomfortable family argument between his immediate family members about an upcoming wedding. When asked my opinion, I voiced it. “I honestly think this stems from her feeling unappreciated.” They shake their heads. “No, no that doesn’t make sense.” They turn to my husband, “What do you think?” Mr. Wonderful says “Maybe if she felt more appreciated, she wouldn’t lash out like this.”
THEY. ATE. THAT. SHIT. UP. What? I literally just said that. Sorry did my vagina put too much tone on my response? What the hell? To this day, he is known for single-handedly saving a wedding. Shoot me.

I, however, am onto him. I can see right through his cuteness and apparent perfection. Well, except for that one time I thought he was so amazing I married him. Fuck.

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