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Stepping on Ducks

Posted in Chic#5

This is my life…
I live with a comedian.
No, I do not mean an actual, professional comedian like Gabriel Iglesias or Dane Cook…I am referring to my 4 year-old daughter. Those of you who either have kids, or have been around young children (e.g., nieces, nephews, cousins, students, etc.) can probably relate…the things that come out of their mouth…there is no filter and it is hysterical.
At our house, there is no filter, and every location is open game for one of her comical acts. Trust me when I say the girl lives on a stage! From small comments such as, “dad, why do you have a snake on your butt (she calls everything down there a ‘butt’)?” That was the last time dad took a shower with the bathroom door open, to full-blown temper tantrums, rolling on the floor, screaming the most incomprehensible¬†phrases known to man – I can’t help but walk into the adjacent room and crack up (god forbid she see me laughing during those breakdowns…uggghhh). I have stories I could tell for days, but the most recent is by far, one of the best!
You see, at our house, farting has become something of a comedic act all on its own…someone farts, and we are all laughing till our guts ache. Dad lets the best ones go – I swear, the floor shakes. Little Miss 4 year-old tries to imitate him when she can, but clearly holds no flame to his candle. In fact, one time when she tried to keep up with the farting master, when we were all treated with a much larger surprise…a shart, an extremely messy shart.
Now, as a lady, mom’s farts are much quieter, more dainty, almost pretty – at least I seem to think so – and of course they do not stink. I can slip one out stealth like most times, and no one even knows.
Somewhere along the way, regardless of the “Fujita” scale rating of the fart, the movie Caddyshack was quoted, and every time a squeak was heard, dad would say, “did someone step on a duck?” Now, when Little Miss D was younger, she literally would run around the house searching for the ducks that escaped the treacherous footsteps of mom or dad, frantically asking, “mom, where did the ducks go?” “Are they okay?” Of course we would laugh….but now she has joined the Rodney Dangerfield party and will quote the movie herself when that gasturous (totally made up this word) explosion has been released…”mommmmmm, did you step on a duck?” Or, “dad, that was a BIG duck you stepped on.” Again, we cannot help but chortle, chortle, chortle!
However, when my daughter decided to take her comedy show outside of the house and into her school the other morning, this little inside family joke of ours became not so funny…
Dad was dropping her off that particular morning, and when they walked into the classroom, they were immediately invited to join in on the game of duck, duck, goose that was being played by her fellow classmates, accompanied by the duck, duck, goose song that they listen to. As soon as the music stopped, and the room was filled with nothing but 6 kids, 4 teachers, 4 dads, and silence, my daughter screams out, “my mom steps on ducks!” What!? All the teachers looked at my boyfriend, the 4 dads started giggling, and Little Miss 4 year-old looks at dad and says, “daddddd,” as if he said it. I was so embarassed when I heard this story, and I wasn’t even there….nor do I ever want to drop her off in the morning again. The teachers either think that I am an animal hater and squash ducks during my free time as a hobby, or that I have a more uncontrollable ass than the man in my life. And the dads in the room…they probably sit in the cars wondering when they are going to see “that girl’s” mom, the one that “pumels ducks” (a.k.a farts) during her free time.

I am not going to lie, I still think hearing someone fart is extremely funny and I cannot help but let out a very immature laugh when someone purposefully, or accidentally, drops a bomb. But, as far as ducks running under my feet…I have made a conscious effort to thin out my flock and be aware of who is around when I let them run loose, especially around my daughter.
Until next time…
…this is my life.

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