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Silicone Valley

Posted in ChickNorris29

Southern California can be a difficult place to grow up for a chick. The weather is great and everyone hangs out at the beach all year. Pool parties and lake parties and river parties are always going on, and girls always in bikinis. As I got older, I realized how many of those girls had big fake boobs………and although some of them looked good (Not ALL of them) I vowed NEVER to get fake boobs. The naturally beautiful girls always rocked my world, and I was always proud to remain “natural.” Now bear with my on my rant about small boob problems……..

I was very used to buying a size large in the bottom and small in the top, sometimes extra small. My mom always told me I was “A okay in her book” when she made fun of my little boobs. Joking, of course, because I never really had a problem with them. My cousins, who all got big ones naturally, made fun of me all of the time but I just played along and laughed as I squeezed all of the pool water out of my super-sized padded bikini top. Once, I went out dancing with a hot guy and wore one of those sticky bras under my sparkly club top…….the thick gel ones with the glue on one side. Well, apparently when you dance you get sweaty, and I guess they don’t stick to sweaty little boobs. Luckily, I caught the little gel “cutlets” just as they passed my waist, about to plop on the dance floor like two fried eggs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried on lingerie just to have really baggy boobs because I couldn’t fill out the size small lace cups. And you can’t pad lingerie……..they will know. One of my previous boyfriends called them “nerf balls” once when I padded them. Oops.

I never would have guessed they get even smaller when you age. The more I work out to keep my large ass from getting out of control, the smaller the boobs got. One even got way smaller than the other. WTF?! I was at a happy hour with a girlfriend recently and I was wearing a low cut shirt. A man came up to me and said how it was refreshing to see a girl with such small boobs still rocking a low cut shirt. WTF?!?!? That was ALMOST as good as the compliment I got when a man complimented my flat stomach (this was 10 years ago). He asked if I did a lot of crunches to keep it flat and I said no. He then said, “Well you must poop a lot!” WTF?!?!?! The most recent “small boob problem” I’ve had was right before I was about to take a vacation with my boyfriend. I bought a tube dress with a small slit in the cleavage area, making it impossible to wear a bra with it. I figured he already knows I’m flat as a board, so who cares if I look flat in this dress. Well, as I walked out of the room, the dress slid right off me. No boob to hold it up. Do you feel my pain yet?

Remember when I vowed never to get fake boobs? Well, I thought about that when I was sitting in my plastic surgeons office about to get fake boobs. I was afraid I was going to be judged by people, that my parents would be mad at me, my brothers would think I was a joke, co-workers would whisper about me, etc. Like I would be ruining my reputation if I did it. I didn’t care, I had my mind made up! They were going to be tasteful, of course, but I finally wanted bOObs! And guess what? I freaking love them. It turns out, if you get big nasty boobs that hang out all over the place, people usually talk and not in a good way. But if you get a decent size that fit you and make you feel good, no one notices or gives a shit at all. Only me. Pretty sweet.

Oh well, I suck. But my boobs don’t. 🙂

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