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Walkward

Posted in ChickTwenty

I love walks. I enjoy hiking but am too lazy to plan it. I also don’t like just sitting at home. So walks fit me. They allow me to clear my head. Also running is f**king awful.

I decided it was a great idea to take my two dogs and my friend’s dog for a walk. That equals one small feisty Chihuahua, one awkward tank of a beagle-basset hound, a large fluffy husky and my dumb ass. I get them all in their harnesses and their leashes and step out of the front door. As I attempt to lock the door, THEY ALL LOSE THEIR MINDS. The Chihuahua starts crying and trying to hop up. The husky begins to do circles around me, wrapping me up in his leash and stepping all over the Chihuahua. The beagle-basset hound puts on the breaks and slides out of his harness. He ran for his damn life. FML.

I immediately lead the Chihuahua and the husky into the house and shut the door. I go to chase Speedy Gonzalez who is now 4 houses away in the neighbor’s grass. I firmly state “Come here.” He doesn’t like my tone and slowly walks backwards. I switch it up and in a high-pitched excited voice exclaim, “Come here sweet boy!” He stops and I swear he smiled. I slowly approach and he lets me pick him up (no harness). This dog is about 3 feet long, 1 foot tall and 55lbs. He is awkward. I barely scoop him up, but I can’t hold him. He slides down my tummy to where it is just his arms sticking straight out of my death grip like a mummy and his long ass body dangling in between my legs. I waddle home. A nice guys in his twenties rolls by in a hummer and says, “Bad day?” Without hesitation I yell, “Take a picture!”

On another inspired walk day, I take off by myself on my regular 5 mile journey. About a mile in, I begin to notice that people are staring. Perhaps I never truly noticed how much people stare in general. So I begin to pay close attention. I mean, I like to think I’m cute, but I am not THAT cute. Many cars (mostly men) watched me as they drove by and even turned their heads so as to watch me for just one more second before passing me. Creepers! Just let me walk! I am not in the mood to be gawked at. This is me time.

I am on about mile 3 when a car honks at me. I turn and look in the car to see a guy laughing at me. Seriously? Leave me alone! I look towards my feet and think to myself “Keep your head down, 2 miles to go.” HONK! Another one? I check my clothes thinking maybe I have a hole in my shorts or something. Nope! I wasn’t giving any peep shows to deserve this insane attention.

On my last mile, I begin to hear men yelling at me as they roll by approaching a stop light. “Hey! Hey girl! HEY!” They slow down as they get closer to me and continue to yell. I have absolutely had enough.

“What the f**k do you want!?”

“Hey girl, you got a big ass leaf on yo head.”

Oh.

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