Last night I realized that what was tomorrow at the time but is now today was Friday, May 13. The thirteenth – the day I regularly post to 30 Chix. Just last month I wrote about my struggles with mental illness. I experienced an unbelievable (if rather brief) high that came from the catharsis of writing about a hidden truth of my life. Even though I was only sharing (mostly) anonymously with a virtual world, it was an incredibly uplifting experience.
And then came the crash.
No, not a total wipe-out. Instead it has been a gradual sinking into blueness. A descent into a state of just-not-rightness.
So I am checking in with all of you. First, because I said I would keep you up to date on my journey. And second, because holding myself accountable from behind the camouflage of a computer screen and cute nom de plume is surprisingly easy.
I could lie, and you’d probably never know it. I could “save face” and gloss over any problems or challenges, and you probably wouldn’t guess. But neither would be the truth. I think, that in being truthful with you, I am pushed to reflect and be truthful with myself. Or perhaps it is the other way around (not that it really matters). What matters is that I am being honest about my journey.
While there have been no major changes in my life, in many ways I am still recovering from all the changes the last 18 months have brought.
I spent my second Mother’s Day with no mother. Thankfully, my brother came to visit to keep me entertained and to keep me distracted. Then, of course, he went home. Cue the tears.
I moved in December of 2015, having bought my mother’s house after her death. I had the house remodeled, and it is as close to my dream house as I can get on my salary. However, while I may not have miles to go, I do still have half a garage to unpack before I sleep. Cue the frustration.
As I said earlier, it is May. MAY!! What’s the big deal? Well, May engenders different emotions for those of us who teach. It is the month that signals the end is near (woo hoo – here comes summer!) and also triggers the “Oh, shit! I still have so much to do” panic. I experience it every year, and even though I know it’s coming, it somehow manages to catch me by surprise. This year, besides the usual “Oh f&*$! It’s May” moment, I am also adapting to what amounts to a promotion and struggling with saying goodbye to a very special group of seniors.
The promotion is a good thing, and next year I will have both time in my day and money in my salary to compensate me for my responsibilities. This year, however, I have stepped into my new role a bit early. Don’t get me wrong, I am relishing the opportunity. It’s just that since I have no extra time in my day, the extra duties have become a bit wearying. Cue the fatigue.
Sending my seniors off into the world is also a good thing. It’s emotional, yes, but it is also inspiring. This year’s group is amazing. I feel such gratitude for having played a small part in their lives. Knowing that these young people hold the future in their hands reassures me. Cue the happy tears.
Intellectually I look at this list and think it is manageable, doable, whateverable and it shouldn’t weigh on me. But it does. Everything I mentioned – and the many other things I didn’t – is a weight I carry around with me All. The. Time.
So, that’s how things are for me right now – and that’s all from me right now. Talk to you all next month when I’ll be checking in…