I have a dirty, pirate-hooker, no-good filthy mouth. I don’t do it on purpose. In fact, more often than not, I am embarrassed by the horrific things I say in front of people. But I enjoy cursing. Yes, I know I appear immature and classless, but there are moments when “Oh my goodness” just doesn’t f***ing cut it.
My mother says she doesn’t know how or when it started. But she does recall dropping a dish in the kitchen when I was roughly 3 years old and hearing a quiet voice from the hallway exclaim “Shit!” She explained to me that we don’t use words like that. They are bad. I must’ve zoned out.
When I was in middle school and high school, my older brother had a way of pushing my buttons. He knew what to say and do to get me inexplicably angry. He found joy in this, as most older brothers do. One day, he said something that rubbed me the wrong way as he was strolling out of the garage to leave. I chased after him, swung the door open and called him the most offensive thing I could think of, “VAGINA!” I stop in my tracks when I see my brother, two landscaping contractors and MY FATHER staring at me in silence. My brother has called me “Gyna” ever since.
I definitely have my favorites. I tend to use the F word for comedic purposes more so than to express anger. If I am angry when I am driving, I use expressions like “absolute moron” and “suck a d***”, which aren’t necessarily full of offensive language, but seem to have more meaning. A moron is someone who is seriously dumb. And when I use it, that is how I want them to feel. And sometimes I do just want that person to s some d.
Yesterday, I was driving myself and my husband, after a very bad day, and a woman cut me off. Without a second thought I said “Insignificant Twat!” We both started laughing. I had no idea where that came from, but her driving certainly didn’t warrant it. Also, why was she insignificant? Was I suddenly a bad guy in a Disney movie? She was probably a very pleasant lady.
We went to visit my brother’s girlfriend and her family for the first time this weekend. My mom, dad and brother sit my husband and I down. “Please don’t cuss in front of her family. Not everyone is used to your mouth.” At first I was insulted, but then I figured they were right. Bitches.
I believe that I have so many “wonderfoul” expressions deep down. They are sitting there within until the most opportune time to make their debut to the world. I wonder when the next one will show. Will it be something my mother-in-law says about my house or my cooking? Will it be in a meeting at work when I finally decide I have had it?
Will it be during the next episode of old lady bullying? We shall see.