My boobs are no longer my friends.
Sometimes I don’t even think they are friends with each other.
Gone are the days when they stood to attention, they both looked the same way, they were round and pert. In those days I was even known to go free boobing. They jiggled just enough to be… interesting.
But now they just hang there like two soggy sand bags. These days, there’s a different routine. I pack them into my titslinger, making sure everything’s tucked inside the sling, of course. The last thing I need to look like is the three-breasted mutant from Total Recall.
Then we have the ‘who you lookin’ at?’ check. Are they are both looking the same way? Cockeyed nipples…. also not a good look! Then out the door, boobs under control.
Of course, if it’s cold, extra checks are needed throughout the day. Like naughty children, they can’t stay still. Cockeyed organ stoppers… even worse look.
Now I know some of these problems can be alleviated with a padded bra, but I’m sorry – I hate those. Firstly, because I’m menopausal. The last thing I need is extra insulation on any part of my body. Secondly, those things make me look like a mutant, though not a three-breasted one, think fluffier Dolly Parton.
After work, it’s a different routine. First thing I do is set those puppies free, I love letting them loose, a quick jiggle then five minutes under the fan… ahhaa heaven. This gives my boobs time to wander. No longer constrained, they head east and west. After all, they’ve been cooped up, and looking forward to this all day. Unfortunately, they eventually need to be re-holstered. They are just too floppy to leave loose. And anyway they’d get bored if I left them free. They’d just spend the rest of the day looking south at my feet.
Then last week, I had to go for my mammogram. My boobies were not happy boobies, Squeezed into that machine they looked like giant pancakes and felt like the meat on a sandwich. Now I think when it comes to mammograms having slightly larger boobs might be a benefit, I don’t know how women with small boobs get them in there. Squeezed from the bottom then from the side, it must be almost impossible if you’re not so well-endowed. I mean there’s not much skin to squeeze. I felt like a giant ball of dough being squeezed and pulled by the tech, as she manipulated me into her machine. But as a woman it’s a necessary evil.
Then bed, they look like a couple of fried eggs but they still work, and….. that’s when they’re useful…… 🙂