-THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR YOU RUDE ASS BITCHES WHEN DEALING WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN-
But first, a quick update on past posts:
1. I still have a filthy mouth despite the fact that my little 4 month girl fetus can hear me.
2. I FINALLY stood up to Old Lady Bully Daisy after another typical encounter. Then she fell and broke her leg that day and I sent her a card.
3. My Perfect Husband is technically 1 for 1 on the baby making stats. We have only had one “uh-oh” sex session, which got me pregnant. Now he walks around telling people he is batting 1000. It’s hilariously annoying.
-BACK TO MY PSA-
Hello sweet women who really are excited for your pregnant friend, family member, coworker, but just might not know how to express the excitement. I am here to help you.
1. Remember, the pregger is even more hormonal and emotional, so try to be nice. Sounds simple, right? Fuck you. Just kidding, I love you.
2. If you truly can’t tell if your pregnant friend is showing, DON’T ASK. We can only play the “Are you showing or did you just have a big lunch?” game for so long before we want to cut you.
3. I already feel like a cow. Try not to say things like “I knew you were having a girl the whole time because you were showing more in your lower half- hips and legs- than you were your stomach.” Mooooo.
4. When I tell you I am expecting, here are a few inappropriate responses:
a. “Congraa… I mean, you’re keeping it right? Okay good! Congrats!”
b. “That must be why you’ve been so confused lately.”
c. “I could tell you were pregnant by seeing your stomach bulging back on Cinco De Mayo!” I was literally 4 days pregnant on Cinco De Mayo, Puta.
5. No, I’m not sweating because I am pregnant. It is 115° outside. You’re sweating too.
6. For those women who have warned me about the actual problems, peeing yourself a little, migraines, morning sickness, discharge, etc., thank you! You have been helpful.
7. I don’t care if you touch my stomach, just ask.
8. I will eat and not eat what I deem best for my baby and my body based on my research and my doctor’s advice. The next woman to ask me, “Are you sure you should be eating that?” or “Why aren’t you eating more of this?” will be sorry.
9. When I choose not to do things like get in a hot tub, an inappropriate response would be “Why not?! I never followed those silly rules and my kids are fine!” Actually Bitch, your kids are all kinds of fucked up and now we know why.
10. There is a fine line between offering help and bossing a pregnant woman around with “You really should ____.” Don’t go near the pushy line or I will pushy you on the ground.
-END OF PSA-