Normally, I am full of sarcasm towards coworkers and curse words directed at the stupids who can’t drive in Arizona. However, lately, I feel as though my mommy instincts have taken over. I am no longer quick to smack talk strangers, or eager to destroy someone who is doing me wrong. What’s wrong with me? Have I lost my spunk, or am I finally maturing?
Perhaps I am past the point of no return. I am six and a half months pregnant and I’m totally in love with everything. My husband and I recently made the decision that I would stay home with the baby, working just part time from home, while he works full time. Maybe the “light at the end of the tunnel” with work is leading me to be much nicer towards those certain people I no longer have to spend every day with. However, the “light at the end of the tunnel” also happens to come with no sleep, a “shit ton” of diapers (if you will), lots of stress and a whole lot of unknown. Don’t get me wrong, I am so very excited to meet my baby! But she scares the hell out of me and we’ve never even met.
Maybe I am anxious about losing my identity. I have been warrior business woman for so long, establishing myself as a threat in a very male-centric industry. Once I leave, am I throwing away all of those years? I can already hear it in my customers’ and coworkers’ voices that I am somehow taking the easy way out. I feel like they have no idea. Do they think it is glamorous staying home whipping out your tit every 4 hours and wiping ass all day? Trust me, the easy way out for me personally would’ve been to avoid change all together. Stick with what I know I am good at and hope for the best when it comes to my kid. But their responses don’t bother me as much as they would’ve before. Somehow this change just feels right and no one can take that away from me.
When I start to doubt my decision, something always assures me I am on the right track. Today at church, our pastor said, “Don’t make money, make memories,” and my new emotional self let one tear drop, just like Demi in Ghost. I guess I still have a knack for the drama.
I have also established a new found love for my husband. Not that I didn’t love him before. Of course I always have. But knowing that he has taken on this responsibility to provide for us without much financial help is unusually attractive. It’s so selfless to take on the pressure of 3 people’s well-being all on your own. I guess I’m just a big, old-school softy after all. Who knew?