Last weekend, I spent time with family I hadn’t seen in several months. The stories were plentiful and, oh, so entertaining. They produced the kind of laughs that left my abs feeling like I’d worked out and more than a few deep, unexpected snorts. At one point, the narrator stopped and said, “No, I am 100% serious. You can’t make this shit up.” To which several others in the room vouched for her – both the story and the statement. She finished by saying, “We’ve decided to make that this year’s motto because just when you think you’ve seen it all, the world once again reminds you how limited your mind is.”
As much as I would love to retell some of these delightful family nuggets, there are some stories that just shouldn’t be shared outside of certain DNA circles. However, in honor of this year’s theme, I’ve compiled a very short and incomplete list of some other precious gems that you are free to explore and share as often as you would like.
- A recent bout of unemployment had me searching for a new career path. Some of the more interesting options are listed below.
- Chick Sexer. Which is probably not what you think it is. Unfortunately, I lack the proper training and would need to move to the UK. However, the $60K salary and an abundance of cute little yellow puffs is quite tempting.
- Mattress Destroyer. Most donation centers don’t take mattresses, but people leave them anyway (you know who you are). Enter the Mattress Destroyer. I was very excited until I realized it didn’t come with a worthy costume.
- Professional Cuddler. These are platonic companionship services. I wasn’t so surprised these types of services existed…well, OK, I was…but what surprised me even more was how many were out there. One quick Google search brought up all sorts of fun sites, like www.thesnugglebuddies.com and www.thecuddlist.com. I’m pretty sure 1Rooster would struggle with this one.
- This interesting tidbit could be included in the above category of potential jobs, but it’s worthy of its own unique bullet point. Did you know vaping is a sport? Like hundreds of spectators gather around to watch two people climb into a ring and duel it out with puffs of smoke? Wow. I wonder how one wins such a competition. Does it depend on the different types of vaporizers competitors use? I can’t wait for it to hit Pay Per View. Maybe I could get something from somewhere like Puffmen and take part too.
- In other news, I recently discovered a website dedicated to labia. You read that right – labia. It can be found at www.labialibrary.org.au It answers questions like Is my vagina normal? and even includes a photo gallery, which I chose not to display below but feel free to take a looksy yourself. I’m sure it’s fascinating.
- Christmas is just around the corner and while this gift is typically touted as a great Valentine’s Day gift, I think there are many who would be delighted to find a box of custom chocolate anuses under the tree. Yes, it’s true. You can have your little butt hole molded and made into delectable little morsels to share with those you love. There are several places that provide this service. Just go to www.edibleanus.com and it will direct you to an appropriate online vendor. For those looking for something a little more lasting, you can also have it bronzed.
- Today is October 1st, and if you’re like me, you struggle with Halloween. It gets harder and harder to come up with a unique Halloween costume each year. Don’t worry. I got you covered this year. You can go as a vagina. Melissa Coulter has one for sale on her Etsy page. Hurry there is only one left for $480. Don’t forget the Vajazzle.
- And while we’re on the topic of our lady bits, don’t forget there are always other options. For example, you could opt for the Footlong Stroker – it’s a vagina in a dog. Check out this bad boy – along with other fun-filled crazy sex toys at Searah’s Museum of Screwy Sex Toys. I don’t know this Searah personally, but I so wish I did. She needs to be a chik.
- And one of my all-time favorites is the 21 Grams. This lovely little gift is a custom dildo filled with the ashes of your deceased lover. I wonder if these have ever been in a porn7 video? How many ashes do you need? You guessed it. 21 grams worth. Mark Sturkenboom can give you more details on his site.
I think 21 Grams is one of my favorites because for many years we (as in me and several female co-workers) didn’t realize it was a real thing. Crazy enough, we thought someone actually made it up.
We were introduced to the idea of it when our boss’ wife – shortly after introduction – informed us that when Mr. Boss died she was going to dump his ashes in a dildo. I think her words were something along the lines of so he can get me off from the other side. Yes, she did. And that was just the first of many crazy shit things that came out of her (and his) mouth. I don’t think 1Rooster truly believed how unbelievable this charming little couple was until a company trip a few years back. On Day Two, he ran into Mr. Boss on the way to pick up breakfast. Below is the transcript.
Mr. Boss – Hey, what happened to you guys last night?
1Rooster – Oh, justachik1 was really tired so we headed back to the room.
Mr. Boss – Oh, we thought you guys got really horny and went back to go fuck.
1Rooster – Uh,
no. She pretty much passed out as soon as she hit the bed.
Mr. Boss – Well,
that’s the best time to fuck her. When she can’t fight back.
Upon returning to the room, 1Rooster tells me he ran into Mr. Boss. He says, “You’ll never believe what he said to me.” I laughed and assured him I would but to tell me anyway because it would be so much more entertaining than anything I could make up.
Once again, I was right.