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Category archive for: ChickTwenty

The New Me

Posted in ChickTwenty

Normally, I am full of sarcasm towards coworkers and curse words directed at the stupids who can’t drive in Arizona. However, lately, I feel as though my mommy instincts have taken over. I am no longer quick to smack talk strangers, or eager to destroy someone who is doing me wrong. What’s wrong with me? Have I lost my spunk, or am I finally maturing? Perhaps I am past the point of no return. I am six and a half months pregnant and I’m totally in love with everything. My husband and I recently made the decision that I would…

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Pregnancy- As Explained By Mr. Perfect

Posted in ChickTwenty

What it’s like being pregnant, written by Mr. Perfect himself, my husband. Prepare yourselves, ladies: The hardest part is not being able to drink my husband’s drinks. It just gives me so much pleasure to drink his beloved sodas. Now that I am pregnant, I can’t because I am not supposed to have caffeine when I’m pregnant. Speaking of things I can’t have, sushi. Something I used to have probably twice a week, now I can’t have it at all. Talk about weird feelings- How about having a human growing inside of your stomach? You go 26 years of your…

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PSA On Behalf of Pregnant Women

Posted in ChickTwenty

-THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FOR YOU RUDE ASS BITCHES WHEN DEALING WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN- But first, a quick update on past posts: 1. I still have a filthy mouth despite the fact that my little 4 month girl fetus can hear me. 2. I FINALLY stood up to Old Lady Bully Daisy after another typical encounter. Then she fell and broke her leg that day and I sent her a card. 3. My Perfect Husband is technically 1 for 1 on the baby making stats. We have only had one “uh-oh” sex session, which got me pregnant.…

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Dear Guppy

Posted in ChickTwenty

Dear Guppy, You’re probably wondering why we call you Guppy. Well, I was with Daddy and his family catching shad (very small fish) in order to catch big fish. I don’t like the word shad because it reminds me of shat, so I called them guppies. Later that day, your Auntie and Mimi talked about baby names for her future children for a very long 50 minutes. Eventually, they asked me what I would name a boy if I have one someday. To get them to leave me alone, I simply replied Guppy. Then it stuck. Do not fear, Guppy-…

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Dirty Mouth

Posted in ChickTwenty

I have a dirty, pirate-hooker, no-good filthy mouth. I don’t do it on purpose. In fact, more often than not, I am embarrassed by the horrific things I say in front of people. But I enjoy cursing. Yes, I know I appear immature and classless, but there are moments when “Oh my goodness” just doesn’t f***ing cut it. My mother says she doesn’t know how or when it started. But she does recall dropping a dish in the kitchen when I was roughly 3 years old and hearing a quiet voice from the hallway exclaim “Shit!” She explained to me…

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Walkward

Posted in ChickTwenty

I love walks. I enjoy hiking but am too lazy to plan it. I also don’t like just sitting at home. So walks fit me. They allow me to clear my head. Also running is f**king awful. I decided it was a great idea to take my two dogs and my friend’s dog for a walk. That equals one small feisty Chihuahua, one awkward tank of a beagle-basset hound, a large fluffy husky and my dumb ass. I get them all in their harnesses and their leashes and step out of the front door. As I attempt to lock the…

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Old Lady Bullying

Posted in ChickTwenty

Before you go making assumptions that I am going to tell you how young chicks, such as myself, bully old ladies, I can promise you, this is not what this post is about. Quite the opposite, actually. “Daisy” is in her 80’s, just under 5 feet tall with a head full of white hair. My first encounter with Daisy was my first day on the job. I walk into the Breakroom to grab a cup of coffee and I notice that the coffee pot was about to overflow. I quickly grab the pot, move it out of the way and…

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My Perfect Husband

Posted in ChickTwenty

Everyone loves my husband. It’s actually quite annoying. Like his father, he has an innocence about him that most find endearing. He has the most beautiful way of bringing humor to uncomfortable situations. I find his methods to be both adorable and infuriating. For example, I hear this story all the time. He was back-sassing his mother in the car when he was in high school and she lost it. She told him he was a son of a bitch, to whom he replied, “Wouldn’t that make you the bitch?” She busted out laughing and he never got in trouble.…

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My Trip to the Gym

Posted in ChickTwenty

Do you ever have those days when you just wake up ready to tackle the day? You have a running list of all the things you need to do that day and you are ready to knock them out immediately? Some of you wake up like this every single day. I do not. But on this day, I did. I put on my gym clothes, grabbed my purse and ran out of the house. I didn’t even wake up my husband to say goodbye, as my plan was to complete my list before he woke up. On my way to…

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Green Day

Posted in ChickTwenty

I woke up early in the morning like I do every day. Hit snooze twice, rolled out of bed, tossed on a robe and went downstairs to grab a cup of coffee. I came back upstairs and decided to take a bath to warm myself up for the day. I begin to shave my legs and gray-ish droplets seemed to be gathering at the end of my razor. I examine the razor and don’t see anything strange, so I keep on shaving. Still more droplets. I glance down at my bath water which seems murky. Startled, I look at my…

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