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Category archive for: FreedomChik18

I Love You Just the Way You Are

Posted in FreedomChik18

Hey you, God, you are beautiful. Really. Not just in the nice-job-on-the-genetic-game-of-Russian-roulette kind of beautiful (even though you did a great job of that too), It’s you. All that going on inside of you: Your chest. The way it seizes up in a painful burn, like a cough you can’t get out, when you hear, see, feel injustices. Suffering. Inequality. Your heart. The way it begins sprinting, like a fireman into a burning building, to hose love out of it when your eyes meet a human, burning in anguish. Your brain. The way it has shed filters from your forever…

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An Open Letter to My Son

Posted in FreedomChik18

My Dearest Baby Boy, I talk to you in your sleep. After ten years of being your Mom, I still get stage fright when our conversations turn to deep, meaningful things. When you are sleeping, the anxiety of saying the wrong thing goes away. I am the best Mommy in the world when you are dreaming. When I was your age, I loved life. I can still hear the grinding crunch of the pencil sharpener as I turned the lever round and round. Feel the smooth edges against my fingertip as I examined the freshly sharpened point it made on…

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Life Raft Acquisition

Posted in FreedomChik18

My current situation these last four months is trying to brave through the book “Furiously Happy” by Jenny Lawson. A doctor loaned it to me. Said it reminded me of her. Today, I reluctantly opened it again. I’m mid-sigh in the agony of consuming it when my Buddhist friend saunters up to me at the coffee shop and asks “What book ya reading today?” I eye roll, lift the cover, and glare at the remark I know is coming “Still?!” “Shut up, Great-Discoverer-Of-The-Obvious. Sit down. Distract me. Enlighten me with your wisdom, Oh Teacher.” Books often stir a love/hate relationship…

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Chasing Bubbles

Posted in FreedomChik18

Bubbles float from my body with each exhale. The dissonance of the gym, muffled. Bloop bloop bloop of my bubbled breath, creates a symphony with the whoosh movements of my strokes underwater. My body feels fluid and easy, a stark contrast to the weighted ache I felt just moments before diving in. If you go to the outdoor toy aisle of any store, there’s a solid six by 8 foot space dedicated to bubbles. Children are entranced by these translucent, delicate spheres of soap floating up and away from them. As I flip turn at the end of the lane…

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I wanna hold your hand

Posted in FreedomChik18

She was shaking. Fidgeting with angst over her upcoming surgery. The preop bay is filled with others like her; cold hands with nothing to grip but the rails on their stretchers. I understand the calm, aloof lack of attention from the medical team as they flurry around. She is just a routine in their life, but she’s the partner in mine. I lace her fingers in mine, palms pressed together so tightly, I could feel her heartbeat. The shaking lessens as the apprehension eases in her eyes. Why is there so much power in the holding of hands? An extensive…

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Welcome Home

Posted in FreedomChik18

When compelled to disappear for a solo hike, I do it. I’ve come to understand there is an all knowing part of me, pushing me in the best direction, and all I must do, is let go and honor it. I’ve been asked many times why I hike alone… Here’s my anthem: I walk into the thick of trees, their whispered chorus of “Welcome Home.” A deep, sighing breath swallows my lungs. My fractured pieces show up to be massaged; loyal pups I’ve left too long. They’re trained to meet me here, on the dirt, under the soles of my…

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Rainbow Flags

Posted in FreedomChik18

When I came out to my Dad, it was perhaps, the most beautiful coming out story I’ve ever bore witness to. And it was all mine. A gay human’s dream of love and acceptance. I watched it play out before me like a moving drama film. My Dad looked, with kind eyes, at the scrunched up mess of wrinkles my shame formed on my freckle splattered forehead, and spoke unwavering, “I had no idea. I thought you grew out of it. Be who you are. I’ll do anything to help. I love you.” I curled up in his words like…

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Mother Grace

Posted in FreedomChik18

I stumbled into it; Motherhood. I didn’t seek it out. When it happened to me, I could only crawl through it, raising both myself and my sons at the same time. 20s feel similar to adolescence, except you are the parent. Couple that with raising another human being – Doable, but so damn difficult. All my sons’ lives thus far, I’ve never felt completely capable or worthy of being their Mom. If the overworked, squeaky wheels inside every mothers head were visible, I’m sure we all feel that way. Often. Yet, one of the greatest truths I’ve learned as a Mom is, we are all just…

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I Love You This Much

Posted in FreedomChik18

Dear Heavenly Father, You said you love me this much, with your eyes kind, smile beaming, and arms spread wide, touching both sides of the universe. I am yours. Parents don’t place conditions on loving their own; I am a mother, I know. They call you a liar, your other children. They say you only love me if. These markings you placed upon my heart, my mind, my body, you didn’t assign conditions to. You gave me the grace, or arguable misfortune, of making them invisible. I only revealed what I chose to, when I was ready to let others…

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When I grow up, I want to be 50.

Posted in FreedomChik18

She watches me from the table across from us. He’s spinning MC Hammer style on his tiny, perfect butt. Tin foil is flying. Plastic forks are being launched as weapons against invisible invaders. He is the Master of my Universe. I can’t stand being under his rule. My voice raises in warning after the 4th time I’ve calmly contained this little human. I catch the glares of the more patient mothers. The never been mothers. The must-have-forgotten-how-bad-it-sucks-to-have-a-3-year-old mothers. Still, her eyes remain kind. Despite both our quick, nervous glances away each time our eyes meet, we can’t stop staring at…

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